{"id":9823,"date":"2020-06-09T20:56:28","date_gmt":"2020-06-09T18:56:28","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.buffiduberman.com\/?p=9823"},"modified":"2020-06-09T20:56:28","modified_gmt":"2020-06-09T18:56:28","slug":"i-couldnt-find-the-right-words-i-still-cant-but-these-are-all-i-have","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/buffiduberman.com\/nl\/i-couldnt-find-the-right-words-i-still-cant-but-these-are-all-i-have\/","title":{"rendered":"I couldn&#8217;t find the right words. I still can&#8217;t. But these are all I have."},"content":{"rendered":"<table width=\"100%\">\n<tbody>\n<tr>\n<td>Another day comes to a close and I sit here with tears. Again.<\/p>\n<p>Every tear has a reason.<\/p>\n<p>Tears of pain for my country, burning from the inside out.<br \/>\nTears of pain for my people, fighting the good fight from the inside out.<br \/>\nTears of fear for the future, what are we creating? What will stay? What will change? How much of this is a movement? How long will this last? When I look back on my role in this, will I have done enough?<\/p>\n<p>Tears of seeing so much.<br \/>\nOften too much.<\/p>\n<p>An elderly peace activist bleeding out after being knocked out and left on the sidewalk by the force that was there to protect him.<br \/>\nA homeless man shot with a rubber bullet to the head, his wheelchair bumped up against the curb, the police at attention, ready to shoot him again.<br \/>\nA police officer kneeling and asking for forgiveness.<br \/>\nA police officer beating a child and showing no mercy.<br \/>\nA protester protecting other protesters, using her tiny body as a shield.<br \/>\nUnnamed guards, heavily armed. A secret force for fear.<br \/>\n20-foot yellow letters claiming a street and owning those powerful words.<br \/>\nA military officer dropping his baton and marching in solidarity.<br \/>\nPeople of all colors and nations, standing together, united, all across this huge tiny globe we all share. Standing up. Shouting out. Letting it out. Letting it in.<\/p>\n<p>So much pain.<br \/>\nSo much hope.<br \/>\nFrom the inside out.<\/p>\n<p>I have seen too much recently.<br \/>\nI have asked myself so many hard questions recently.<br \/>\nHow white is my team? (Very white.) Can I ask that only people of color apply for the next opening? Is that allowed? Is that offensive? How many Black-owned businesses do I support? How can I find more Black businesses? Is there a guide? Should I start one? Is that offensive if I do?<br \/>\nWhy hasn\u2019t there been a protest in my town yet? Should I organise one? Is it privileged if I do? Why didn\u2019t I join other protests? Why have I been so silent on social media? Why was I so paralyzed that I could not even find the right words to write my newsletter this week?<\/p>\n<p>I have so many questions.<br \/>\nI have no answers.<\/p>\n<p>I am just a 51-year old privileged white woman, who has no time for bullshit. I\u2019ve spent a lot of time studying and asking hard questions, of myself, and others.<\/p>\n<p>Studying racism is hard. It\u2019s confrontational. It\u2019s very upsetting. Frustrating. Shameful.<\/p>\n<p>But studying racism and experiencing racism firsthand are 2 different worlds.<\/p>\n<p>If you get the opportunity to study it, you don\u2019t know how lucky you are.<\/p>\n<p>I will be silent no more.<br \/>\n#blacklivesmatter<\/p>\n<p>I just had to share these words, the only words, I have, with you tonight.<\/p>\n<p>I hope you read them in the spirit in which they were written.<br \/>\nWith love.<br \/>\nBuffi<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Another day comes to a close and I sit here with tears. Again. Every tear has a reason. Tears of pain for my country, burning from the inside out. Tears of pain for my people, fighting the good fight from the inside out. 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